For unknown reasons, my subconscious had programmed the idea that I could only go home when I had completed ‘everything,’ meaning the tasks assigned for the day plus clearing my inbox of incoming messages. I usually planned tasks for each day on Saturday, covering the entire week. In the mornings, over coffee, I updated tasks, their order, and priorities. The reason I kept working late was that I failed to account for the fact that in ongoing customer service, new inquiries kept coming in. Customers wanted to expand and modify their websites, stores, create applications, or implement system changes, and these required updates. Furthermore, after updates, other components might not be fully compatible, and new audiences emerged. While in the morning, I could calmly focus on checking off completed tasks, from 9 to 10, as others woke up and began their professional work, emails and phones started ringing. Even if I didn’t answer or reply immediately, it disturbed my peace of mind because I knew something remained unchecked and unfinished, so I addressed it. Then, I returned to the task list, but it was already two hours later, resulting in delays, sometimes by as much as two additional hours.

Each time, I convinced myself that it was just a particularly busy day and that order would be restored tomorrow. It was wishful thinking because it never ended—phones continued to ring, and new emails kept pouring in. To illustrate the absurdity of this situation, consider that many companies, especially startups, dream of this situation—customers calling and writing in without the need for acquisition efforts. What others dream of had turned into my everyday nightmare. They say, ‘Be careful what you wish for; you might just get it, but you might not like it”. Even now, as I write this article, my problem seems bizarre, but it was real and had a detrimental impact on my daily life. So, what did I do? I began planning time slots for unexpected emails and phone calls, about 2-3 hours a day. But if they weren’t scheduled, I had no idea how long they would take, and I still couldn’t finish my work day on time. I thought I was losing my mind until a sense, both conscious and subconscious, emerged that it would never end—seriously. Acceptance and understanding eventually dawned on me, allowing me to leave work even if I hadn’t responded to all the emails or cleaned my inbox. I could have acted this way from the beginning because, apart from critical issues like server failures or the store being down, which demanded immediate attention, none of the customers expected an instant response. There was an unwarranted compulsion to clear the inbox and check off all the tasks in my head. Until I grasped this and worked on it, I was fatigued by my daily life, choosing overtime voluntarily, prioritizing work, and wanting to change it, but somehow, it didn’t work out.

As you can see, perfectionism can manifest not only in the constant pursuit of upgrading and improving the tasks at hand. Personally, I stopped fretting over minor imperfections long ago, realizing that perfection is unattainable. However, I didn’t foresee that my perfectionism would manifest in my desire to tidy up everything that appeared during the day, believing that only with a clean slate and completed tasks could I allow myself to go home.

How does your perfectionism manifest? Were you aware that the journey of self-improvement, development, and learning never truly ends? Relax and take a break instead of endlessly chasing a goal that might forever elude you—just like cats can never catch a laser light; it will keep evading them, and they’ll keep chasing it